SAT on Sat.

My justification now is: I’m taking it now how Mr. Shumway would have taken it. And that’s how it is intended to be taken.
So I’m doing it right. Right?

So I’m taking the SAT on Saturday. Thank goodness gracious tomorrow is a day off (10/10 is our country’s national day), or else I’d be stressing my brains out right before I take the test.

Those are the key words: stressing out. There’s really not much I can do now (I guess that’s why I’m writing this instead of rushing to another section), but I do wonder if I haven’t stressed out enough to motivate me to do sufficient practice for this SAT.
When I signed up for the October test, I thought perhaps I had been too nervous and naive on the first official one I took. I believed I had the capacity to do better. I thought I could study all throughout the summer months (at least one of them) and do better than ever. At least, I thought, I could be smarter in 12th grade, by that time having already taken both SAT II Subjects Literature and Math 2 in June (I didn’t do so bad on those either; their scores were higher than my CR and M sections on my first SAT!) Even if I didn’t ended up studying so much, maybe my matured 12th grade mindset will take the matter more easily and not let anxiety take over control. I remember aspiring to get a a 2350/2400. That’s definitely not happening now.

Of course, I didn’t rule out the idea that by 12th grade I’d be thinking “no big deal” and “oh well.” For better or for worse, that’s what my mindset is now. It’s going “whatever whatever whateva!” I’ve done some practice - enough to indicate that my scores aren’t getting any higher and might even be going lower - and I know that several people probably haven’t done nearly as much practice as I did. The thing is, my good friend J here probably did about seven practice tests in the past week. Hanging out with those people, you know, gets a little unnerving. So it makes me feel incompetent. Lackadaisical. Dilatory. Lax. And that prods me into the “whatever I give up I’m just gonna roll with it” thinking even while I’ve actually done way more practice than some others.

Unlike many of my peers, I’ve only taken the SAT once, so this will be my second. I’m done here. I’m going to eat well, rest well, and exercise well. I may do some more practice sections to calm my nerves when they act up. I will print my admissions ticket and prep my testing materials. When SAT comes around in less than 48 hours, I am going to enter the room and try my best, in hopes that maybe I can raise my CR and M scores. That would be nice for superscoring. I’ll try for it. But I won’t die for it. It’ll test me like it should. Mr. Shumway would approve.

Speaking of Mr. Shumway, I need to be clear of what I want to tell him for his rec letter before interview Tuesday rolls around.

confidence boosters

some confidence boosters I had to privilege of receiving from people around me today:

1. government teacher: “you have very neat handwriting, which makes me think you have a good work ethic…thank you for your honest feedback and thank you for your hard work.”
2. student council member applications: “Irene because she is actively trying to get to know people…genuine…comfortable to with…kindness…hardworking…diligence…never without a smile on her face…said hi to me…”
3. an extension from #2, an old old friend stating how she has seen me change throughout the years since she’s known me in first grade <3
4. penmanship. though i really cannot distinguish good and bad writing or handwriting, i deeply appreciate the praise. makes me love writing more.

Mother says I’ve changed

Only words today. No decoration whatsoever.
Concise, like my college resume right now. Maybe too minimalistic.

Mother tells me over breakfast she thinks I’ve changed, especially in the past 2 years. I think so too. I’ve been trying. A constant effort. Several battles. Fight after fight, win some, lose some, but keep trying. I changed.

For who? For you? For myself? For all? All the reasons. Funny how I’ve gotten here. Never thought I would.

For some reason it seemed so easy for others. Talking, I mean. It wasn’t for me. Duct tape over the mouth. They used to joke about it like it was funny, but I thought it was natural. Then it became frustrating. Naturally frustrating. Frustratingly natural.

But I’ve been trying. Since concerned daycare teachers and others reassuring my mother. Since aunts jabbering, since mothers gossiping around me. Since all the awards received for obedient quietness. Did I have any ideas back then? I sure did. I wonder what I was up to, and what all those teachers could see. Since bawling during the fifth grade reading circle. Since being the silent worker. Since maybe shocking others with such rare performances.

Then, interestingly, there were those teachers. Ms. Barr, Ms. Wirht, Mr. C, Ms. Smith. Also later on Mr. H. Cross country in middle school. Carnegie. Achieving personal interests. But then, shifting attention to school clubs in tenth grade. Committee heading and energy drainage but exciting. Getting accustomed. Never entirely accustomed. Coming out of the shell and shocking more people. Maybe most don’t know me before then actually. It would make sense because I was silent before. Now leading. How did this come to be?

Constant effort. Battle after battle. Joining in on conversations. Never fearing awkward. Going out with company. People are interesting. Getting to know them. Getting to know self. Still trying

8/31 and 9/1 and 9/2

I just realized that I had been posting the month of April in my last couple of posts…wonder why…
Anyways, here’s up till today:

8/31 (last day of summer!!!)
1. papaya boats for breakfast! and bananas omnomnomnom
2. a good chat with my cousin, who I hadn’t talked with in FOREVER!
3. Aunt gave us mixed salad greens wee so pretty

1. seeing old faces and a new face
2. friend R helped me bunches in the first computer science class. I really need to study for myself now!
3. Mom and Dad went out to get print paper, a variety of fruits, and my glasses (which came). I am so grateful to have two amazing parents who do so much for me. <3

1. gave my HR teacher Teddy Grahams bought in the United States. Her reaction “OH MY GOD” was just too fulfilling. ;) Also gave friend M more cranes we folded for her.
2. bodily sustaining capabilities suddenly ran out during psych class, but I could goooo hoooome and rest, which is always a delight.
3. getting back in the zone with the daily bulletin, also looked up some colleges and understood some CS (just some, perks of reading after experimenting)

Positivity actually has been a little challenging because I’ve been feeling so fatigued, but I suspect it’s the product of worrying too much. Anxiety really consumes all your energy. I try to convince myself that there ain’t anything to freak out about…it’s hard though. Any tips?

8/29 and 8/30

so still listless almost all day and feeling fat/bloated
but good things still happen!

1. went to the traditional market with Mom in the morning - loving the fresh food
2. made a layered potato, tomato, and eggplant bake (with caramelized onions) for a dinner dish and it was good.
3. SNL clip of “Amazing Spider-Man” stars would be disturbing yet still cute and thus hilarious I love them

1. well I couldn’t sleep last night until almost 4am but chatted with IOI friends. in the morning, got up and did a kettlebell workout anyway (it’s been too long since I last did movement…a few days ago)
2. went to the Qing Da library, met with friend J :) and did a little teensy bit of work and a lot lot lot of storytelling hehe.
3. came to Taipei. so tired. after a stuco meeting went with Dad to 7-11. walking in the cool night breeze swishing my new red skirt made me feel nice no matter how tired

4/27 and 4/28

these have been 2 lazy, tired, and unproductive days (is it delayed jet lag?), but here’s what came up:

1. chatted with IOI friends really early in the morning and viewed one’s #ALSicebucketchallenge ^^ it seems we all wear our IOI T-shirts to get splashed and recorded
2. banana ice cream banana banana banana banana
3. feeling high—actually more like drunk—off the complexity of life

1. once again returned and waited forever at the eye doctor’s (though it was probably where I got the most work done), but ordered new glasses! Since I lost my tiny pink plastic Pompompurin backup glasses I got in 3rd grade at Facebook in Palo Alto, I needed a new pair of backup. These are Harry Potter glasses that make me look like a Korean girl. Cool, yeah?
2. navel oranges give me energy
3. earlier bedtime (b/c not getting work done…hopefully can get Work done in the early morning!)